After a heart wrenching weekend, full of pain, heartache, and so many other things, I really started to question everything around me. My faith, my self worth, my usefulness.
And I know I am not alone out there. I have struggled with self-worth for a very long time. Obstacles will be put in my path, and I feel like I should just throw in the towel and give up. That I can't do this. It's too hard. No one would fault me for giving up , after all, I am facing a giant monster and I am just a human. It is hard for me to put this out there, and admit this, but I am imperfect and have made mistakes.
Shocker. Not really. Everyone always say's "Oh I know I am not perfect" but it never comes with the complete understanding, acceptance, that you really are not. That you are going to fall, numerous times, and not want to get back up. You are going to sit down and cry and wonder "WHY ME!" what did I do to deserve all this pain, this hurt, this incredible obstacle that has been moved into my path.
I have those days. I had one this weekend when something happened in my life that turned it upside down. I have been struggling for a long time with many things- weight, finances, self worth and other things. And I have had obstacle after obstacle put in my path. I have fallen many times, but have picked myself back up and fought my way to the top of one hill, only to find 10 more in the path. I have kept going. I have cried many nights, days, hours. I have called myself worthless. Useless. Unloved. Undeserving. I have been there people. I am here to tell you that you are NOT these things.
It took everything in my power to pick myself up off the floor after this last blow. I was angry, mad, hurt, and just wanted to die. Being honest here, because I know somewhere out there someone will read this and relate. And I want you to know YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THOSE THOUGHTS. It took some very good friends, many of them, being there for me and picking me up (literally) and loving me through the grief and pain to realize that I am worth more than those ugly thoughts.
I am diving into my life. I am choosing to continue forward, putting my faith in God. Putting my hope in the fact that he knows what mountains i have yet to climb and he's going to be my anchor. Its hard. Harder then anything I have EVER done in my life. But God will provide for me. He has brought me to it, and he will see me through it.
I say all this to say that i have one week left in month four. And Im diving into this week with all I have. I hope if you have an obstacle you are fighting, a demon in your life , if its food, death, illness, anything that you know someone is out there thinking about you. His name is God. And you have a lowly human loving and thinking of you too- me.
If you have never listened to the song "I Am" by Nicole Nordeman i strongly encourage you to. It brings me such peace.
God bless !
Stephanie
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