I just wanted to take a small moment to wish each of you that ever read my blog, a very Merry CHRISTmas. That's right. This girl does not wish anyone a happy holiday, nor say Merry xmas. Its not about that it is about the birth of our Lord. About Jesus.
This year, it's a bit more simple for us. We just do not have the funds to do things we used to do. It has depressed me beyond words, to not be able to do like I have in the past for others. I have been struggling to be in any kind of cheery mood the past few weeks. It seems, everytime I would take a step forward, I would get hit with another obstacle that would put me 2 steps back.
As I started month SIX this past Sunday, and was not able to go to church , as I slept through everything that day, I really struggled with even wanting to do anything. Period. But then I realized. I am in month six. God has brought me this far. Its not been just me, its been my faith, my hope, and God that has pushed me to succeed. Even in the darkest of times.
I truly hope that your Christmas is a blessed one. That you have enough to eat. That you get to say I love you to your family. That you do not take these moments for granted. I am looking forward to 2014 with Hope. Times might be incredibly tough for us, but I have Hope. I have Faith.
Much Love to you all!
Stephanie
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Baby Blues
This is an EXTREMELY hard post for me. But, after talking with several of my readers, I figured it was the time.
I have the baby blues. Not in the traditional sense, though.
I want a baby. I want to be a mom. Its my one wish , above all wishes, above everything I could ever hope for or want. I desperately want to be a mommy. To have someone that loves me unconditionally, needs me night and day, and that I can return that love and need.
So far, It has not been in the cards for me.
I have had female issues for a very long time. When I was younger, my period was so sporadic, I could go month's without having one. Nothing was ever on track. Then I had liposuction. And when I started loosing weight, it seemed that my period was back on track. Like clockwork!
And then it went all haywire again. In May of 2011 to August of that year, I gained 60 lbs (everything I had lost) and no period that entire time. Nothing. Nada. I was not overeating. I was not doing anything different. I went to my gyno and he put me on clomid and something else, i forget the name, to get my cycle back on track and me ovulating. Nothing happened. I just was tired all the time. I cried all the time. And decided I was not going to go through that again if I could help it.
And then... the unthinkable happened. My period started.... and NEVER STOPPED. For over a year i had a period. It never stopped. It was always just light spotting every day, all day, and then it would stop for like an hour, and then start again. It NEVER STOPPED. But it was never regular. I would have one day of super heavy and the nada the next day. I have been to the doctor. I have been to several. I have been checked out for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Twice. Nothing apparently was wrong with me.
SO i just accepted that this was how it was. It wrecked havoc on my marriage. I was so confused, sad, pissy even, and I felt horrible for being that way. I loved my husband but I had no desire to do anything with him. And it took its toll. On both of us. I couldnt express myself the way i wanted to. It just made me mad all the time to know that this was my life. I was beyond mad at everyone and everything. I just kept it to myself.
Then I started this journey. And now, I am back to hopefully being regular. I thought, silly me, that I was pregnant. Then my period finally came. Hard. While I am grateful for it finally being back on a regular schedule, I am sad that once again, no mommy I will be.
I am overjoyed by everyone I know that is pregnant. Do not get me wrong, I love them. They are my family, my friends. But I am still jealous. I am still upset. I still cry all the time over it. But I do not resent them for it. I just wish and hope it will be me making the announcement one day soon.
I know so many out there go through what I go through. Wanting what I want. Just know you are not alone. If I never become a mother the old fashioned way, it doesnt mean i wont be looking into other options. But , God has a plan for me. And one day i will know what it is.
Until then, I will just keep loving on everyone else's babies. And tearing up when I walk by the baby clothing in the store....
Steph
I have the baby blues. Not in the traditional sense, though.
I want a baby. I want to be a mom. Its my one wish , above all wishes, above everything I could ever hope for or want. I desperately want to be a mommy. To have someone that loves me unconditionally, needs me night and day, and that I can return that love and need.
So far, It has not been in the cards for me.
I have had female issues for a very long time. When I was younger, my period was so sporadic, I could go month's without having one. Nothing was ever on track. Then I had liposuction. And when I started loosing weight, it seemed that my period was back on track. Like clockwork!
And then it went all haywire again. In May of 2011 to August of that year, I gained 60 lbs (everything I had lost) and no period that entire time. Nothing. Nada. I was not overeating. I was not doing anything different. I went to my gyno and he put me on clomid and something else, i forget the name, to get my cycle back on track and me ovulating. Nothing happened. I just was tired all the time. I cried all the time. And decided I was not going to go through that again if I could help it.
And then... the unthinkable happened. My period started.... and NEVER STOPPED. For over a year i had a period. It never stopped. It was always just light spotting every day, all day, and then it would stop for like an hour, and then start again. It NEVER STOPPED. But it was never regular. I would have one day of super heavy and the nada the next day. I have been to the doctor. I have been to several. I have been checked out for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Twice. Nothing apparently was wrong with me.
SO i just accepted that this was how it was. It wrecked havoc on my marriage. I was so confused, sad, pissy even, and I felt horrible for being that way. I loved my husband but I had no desire to do anything with him. And it took its toll. On both of us. I couldnt express myself the way i wanted to. It just made me mad all the time to know that this was my life. I was beyond mad at everyone and everything. I just kept it to myself.
Then I started this journey. And now, I am back to hopefully being regular. I thought, silly me, that I was pregnant. Then my period finally came. Hard. While I am grateful for it finally being back on a regular schedule, I am sad that once again, no mommy I will be.
I am overjoyed by everyone I know that is pregnant. Do not get me wrong, I love them. They are my family, my friends. But I am still jealous. I am still upset. I still cry all the time over it. But I do not resent them for it. I just wish and hope it will be me making the announcement one day soon.
I know so many out there go through what I go through. Wanting what I want. Just know you are not alone. If I never become a mother the old fashioned way, it doesnt mean i wont be looking into other options. But , God has a plan for me. And one day i will know what it is.
Until then, I will just keep loving on everyone else's babies. And tearing up when I walk by the baby clothing in the store....
Steph
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Icemaggedon 2013
So, as I draw to the end of a week, and look to start my third week in month 5 tomorrow, I want to reflect back on the past 2 days.
I have been stuck inside my house.
It has iced over here.
Let's just say I almost have a completely clean and organized downstairs.
A lot of times before, when I would be in this situation I would sit down and eat. Because I was hungry? No. Because I was bored! I had nothing else to do. No where to go. So why not eat!
This past few days, I have wanted to do that. And I will admit, I did indulge in 6 chocolate oatmeal homemade cookies I made over 2 days.... and I did eat more bread then I am used to. But, I still kept myself from mindless eating. Only one day this week did I go over my calories by about 200 calories, and that was because I wanted the burger and tots ( homemade not from fast food) because our favorite Aunt was coming to visit. ( For those of you that know me, I have a very crazy female issue history so I battle this every day of my life. )
Anyways- I decided to focus on more productive things. Like making a tree skirt. Doing all the laundry. Cleaning my closet. Making cookies. Cleaning floors. Putting up the tree and decorations.
My advice to you is when you are bored, instead of going for food, grab some water and go start a task you have been putting off. You dont have to finish it ( just go to put in a load of laundry, change it over, clean a bathroom) anything small and put your efforts into that. You are burning calories ( extra ones!) and will get your mind off what you thought you wanted to eat.
I have 2 weeks left in this 5 month period. I am really hoping by the end of this 5 months ill be down 50 lbs. I wont weigh myself till the end ( I am forcing myself to do this because i want to see where I am but i wont) so I hope im on track. I will have end month 5/beginning month 6 pictures end of the month though. SO stay tuned!!!
Stay warm
xoxo
Stephanie
I have been stuck inside my house.
It has iced over here.
Let's just say I almost have a completely clean and organized downstairs.
A lot of times before, when I would be in this situation I would sit down and eat. Because I was hungry? No. Because I was bored! I had nothing else to do. No where to go. So why not eat!
This past few days, I have wanted to do that. And I will admit, I did indulge in 6 chocolate oatmeal homemade cookies I made over 2 days.... and I did eat more bread then I am used to. But, I still kept myself from mindless eating. Only one day this week did I go over my calories by about 200 calories, and that was because I wanted the burger and tots ( homemade not from fast food) because our favorite Aunt was coming to visit. ( For those of you that know me, I have a very crazy female issue history so I battle this every day of my life. )
Anyways- I decided to focus on more productive things. Like making a tree skirt. Doing all the laundry. Cleaning my closet. Making cookies. Cleaning floors. Putting up the tree and decorations.
My advice to you is when you are bored, instead of going for food, grab some water and go start a task you have been putting off. You dont have to finish it ( just go to put in a load of laundry, change it over, clean a bathroom) anything small and put your efforts into that. You are burning calories ( extra ones!) and will get your mind off what you thought you wanted to eat.
I have 2 weeks left in this 5 month period. I am really hoping by the end of this 5 months ill be down 50 lbs. I wont weigh myself till the end ( I am forcing myself to do this because i want to see where I am but i wont) so I hope im on track. I will have end month 5/beginning month 6 pictures end of the month though. SO stay tuned!!!
Stay warm
xoxo
Stephanie
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Top ten foods for me to snack on!
I had a few people contact me asking me what I "snack on" when I am hungry. Instead of eating a full meal. Or even just something to curb the appetite.
Yes i have heard all the nuts and blah blah blah stories. Sorry, nuts are for squirrels and not me.
I will tell you that I do not EVER drink my calories. In other words, I do not drink soda. I do drink coffee w/ creamer and whole milk, and the occasional flavored water with zero calories. But I mainly drink water. And when I think im hungry I will always grab a bottle of water and drink FIRST.
2nd- I try and stay away from carbs for snacks. When I say carbs I mean bread and pasta. These are MEALS to me. Not snacks. I do love bagels and will occasionally have half a bagel with some cheese.
3rd- no junk food. No chips, no cookies, no junk. This is not a snack. Its empty calories. You will be hungry 10 min later. Its not filling!
Ok so Top ten :
1. Cheese- I love cheese. Any kind of cheese. I will eat 1-2 ounces of cheese plain
2. Veggies- plain ( w/ a little sea salt) i love mixed veggies but any veggies will do
3. Yogurt- I like Yoplait apple turnover best. I do not like greek yogurt like so many others do though. But if you do, go for it.
4. Tuna- no mayo! I will have a packet of tuna with a little sea salt, a little grapeseed oil ( its good for you) and some pickles and eat it that way. Mayo is a no no though!
5. Salad- yes but the dressing is the tricky part. I use one from wildtree that is a make your own. Its the Italian dressing blend ( organic ) and then grapeseed oil (organic) and vinegar. I use very little but its good calories/fat versus slathering on the french dressing or ranch. If you want to use those use them in MODERATION. Dont just come in like a wrecking ball and overtake the salad. Use a tablespoon and actually MEASURE out how much a serving is and then toss your salad with it. You will get enough i promise! No croutons, no cheese on that salad either. I just want something to fill me up in between meals not be a meal itself.
6. Piece of fruit- usually a banana or a apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter. I try to not even use a full serving on PB b/c of the calories. PB is good for you as well in moderation. But pairing the fruit with the protein usually satisfies my sweet tooth and craving.
7. Popcorn- air popped with sea salt and i use the Natural Butter Grapeseed Oil from wildtree again. Healthy option and you get so much more then the bagged kind with everything in it.
8. Eggs- hard boiled eggs. I will eat one plain. Great protein.
9. Smoothie- I really love them. But only in moderation. Mainly b/c its calls for a lot of things like whole milk ( which I only drink) so I make them with water for my snacks. I use a half a cup of frozen mixed fruit and some cold water and use my Ninja. If you want one that is the creamy version, use the fruit, 4 oz milk and a few tablespoons of plain yogurt or vanilla ( or any flavor that would go with your fruit)
10. Oatmeal- I do not eat this that often. Sugars mainly in the oatmeal. But i always seem to have a lot on hand. I eat the Better than Oats brand ( yummy) and sometimes Quaker brands. Just watch the ones that are sugar sugar city.
OK I am sure some of these you knew. But this is what I eat. Somethings are not on here because I dont eat them as much as these. I just use my head peeps.
xoxo
steph
Yes i have heard all the nuts and blah blah blah stories. Sorry, nuts are for squirrels and not me.
I will tell you that I do not EVER drink my calories. In other words, I do not drink soda. I do drink coffee w/ creamer and whole milk, and the occasional flavored water with zero calories. But I mainly drink water. And when I think im hungry I will always grab a bottle of water and drink FIRST.
2nd- I try and stay away from carbs for snacks. When I say carbs I mean bread and pasta. These are MEALS to me. Not snacks. I do love bagels and will occasionally have half a bagel with some cheese.
3rd- no junk food. No chips, no cookies, no junk. This is not a snack. Its empty calories. You will be hungry 10 min later. Its not filling!
Ok so Top ten :
1. Cheese- I love cheese. Any kind of cheese. I will eat 1-2 ounces of cheese plain
2. Veggies- plain ( w/ a little sea salt) i love mixed veggies but any veggies will do
3. Yogurt- I like Yoplait apple turnover best. I do not like greek yogurt like so many others do though. But if you do, go for it.
4. Tuna- no mayo! I will have a packet of tuna with a little sea salt, a little grapeseed oil ( its good for you) and some pickles and eat it that way. Mayo is a no no though!
5. Salad- yes but the dressing is the tricky part. I use one from wildtree that is a make your own. Its the Italian dressing blend ( organic ) and then grapeseed oil (organic) and vinegar. I use very little but its good calories/fat versus slathering on the french dressing or ranch. If you want to use those use them in MODERATION. Dont just come in like a wrecking ball and overtake the salad. Use a tablespoon and actually MEASURE out how much a serving is and then toss your salad with it. You will get enough i promise! No croutons, no cheese on that salad either. I just want something to fill me up in between meals not be a meal itself.
6. Piece of fruit- usually a banana or a apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter. I try to not even use a full serving on PB b/c of the calories. PB is good for you as well in moderation. But pairing the fruit with the protein usually satisfies my sweet tooth and craving.
7. Popcorn- air popped with sea salt and i use the Natural Butter Grapeseed Oil from wildtree again. Healthy option and you get so much more then the bagged kind with everything in it.
8. Eggs- hard boiled eggs. I will eat one plain. Great protein.
9. Smoothie- I really love them. But only in moderation. Mainly b/c its calls for a lot of things like whole milk ( which I only drink) so I make them with water for my snacks. I use a half a cup of frozen mixed fruit and some cold water and use my Ninja. If you want one that is the creamy version, use the fruit, 4 oz milk and a few tablespoons of plain yogurt or vanilla ( or any flavor that would go with your fruit)
10. Oatmeal- I do not eat this that often. Sugars mainly in the oatmeal. But i always seem to have a lot on hand. I eat the Better than Oats brand ( yummy) and sometimes Quaker brands. Just watch the ones that are sugar sugar city.
OK I am sure some of these you knew. But this is what I eat. Somethings are not on here because I dont eat them as much as these. I just use my head peeps.
xoxo
steph
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
I am worth it {warning underwear picture}
Yes... I am.
Im half way through month 5. Not much change really. But i can tell my clothes are fitting better.
And before you get all snooty about me putting a picture of me in my underwear on here and nothing else, I have censored anything that could be seen. There is nothing wrong with the body like this. People wear bikini's all the time that show more than I am showing. I am doing this b/c I am PROUD of me and my body and my progress. Im not perfect by any means, no one is, but until you can be comfortable with yourself and the skin you are in, you will never truly be happy with yourself. I am happy with me- but working on being healthy and in shape. So keep that in mind please ;)
Im posting this for several reasons.
1. Because this is truly how I look sans clothing and even though you might not be able to tell a difference in this I can. That back roll has really gone down. You see that pouch in the front where my panties are? Thats from liposuction 2 years ago. It has drawn up even more and my skin is starting to tighten up more and more.
2. To show you that clothing can be kind of deceiving when seeing weight loss pictures.
3. To show everyone out there that YOU ARE WORTH IT. I was going to write things on my body like so many do, but why? Why point out anything when I know I am worth it already.
I am down around 40 lbs and am kind of in a rut. Ive been loosing inches and firming up the past 2 weeks but the scale has not budged.
Remember that the next time you look into the mirror and see a pudge here, or a lump there, or whatever it is you see- that that is just your body it is not WHO YOU truly are inside.
xoxo
Steph
Im half way through month 5. Not much change really. But i can tell my clothes are fitting better.
And before you get all snooty about me putting a picture of me in my underwear on here and nothing else, I have censored anything that could be seen. There is nothing wrong with the body like this. People wear bikini's all the time that show more than I am showing. I am doing this b/c I am PROUD of me and my body and my progress. Im not perfect by any means, no one is, but until you can be comfortable with yourself and the skin you are in, you will never truly be happy with yourself. I am happy with me- but working on being healthy and in shape. So keep that in mind please ;)
1. Because this is truly how I look sans clothing and even though you might not be able to tell a difference in this I can. That back roll has really gone down. You see that pouch in the front where my panties are? Thats from liposuction 2 years ago. It has drawn up even more and my skin is starting to tighten up more and more.
2. To show you that clothing can be kind of deceiving when seeing weight loss pictures.
3. To show everyone out there that YOU ARE WORTH IT. I was going to write things on my body like so many do, but why? Why point out anything when I know I am worth it already.
I am down around 40 lbs and am kind of in a rut. Ive been loosing inches and firming up the past 2 weeks but the scale has not budged.
Remember that the next time you look into the mirror and see a pudge here, or a lump there, or whatever it is you see- that that is just your body it is not WHO YOU truly are inside.
xoxo
Steph
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