Baby Blues

This is an EXTREMELY hard post for me. But, after talking with several of my readers, I figured it was the time.

I have the baby blues. Not in the traditional sense, though.

I want a baby. I want to be a mom. Its my one wish , above all wishes, above everything I could ever hope for or want. I desperately want to be a mommy. To have someone that loves me unconditionally, needs me night and day, and that I can return that love and need.

So far, It has not been in the cards for me.

I have had female issues for a very long time. When I was younger, my period was so sporadic, I could go month's without having one. Nothing was ever on track. Then I had liposuction. And when I started loosing weight, it seemed that my period was back on track. Like clockwork!

And then it went all haywire again. In May of 2011 to August of that year, I gained 60 lbs (everything I had lost) and no period that entire time. Nothing. Nada. I was not overeating. I was not doing anything different. I went to my gyno and he put me on clomid and something else, i forget the name, to get my cycle back on track and me ovulating. Nothing happened. I just was tired all the time. I cried all the time. And decided I was not going to go through that again if I could help it.

And then... the unthinkable happened. My period started.... and NEVER STOPPED. For over a year i had a period. It never stopped. It was always just light spotting every day, all day, and then it would stop for like an hour, and then start again. It NEVER STOPPED. But it was never regular. I would have one day of super heavy and the nada the next day. I have been to the doctor. I have been to several. I have been checked out for everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Twice. Nothing apparently was wrong with me.

SO i just accepted that this was how it was. It wrecked havoc on my marriage. I was so confused, sad, pissy even, and I felt horrible for being that way. I loved my husband but I had no desire to do anything with him. And it took its toll. On both of us. I couldnt express myself the way i wanted to. It just made me mad all the time to know that this was my life. I was beyond mad at everyone and everything. I just kept it to myself.

Then I started this journey. And now, I am back to hopefully being regular. I thought, silly me, that I was pregnant. Then my period finally came. Hard. While I am grateful for it finally being back on a regular schedule, I am sad that once again, no mommy I will be.

I am overjoyed by everyone I know that is pregnant. Do not get me wrong, I love them. They are my family, my friends. But I am still jealous. I am still upset. I still cry all the time over it. But I do not resent them for it. I just wish and hope it will be me making the announcement one day soon.

I know so many out there go through what I go through. Wanting what I want. Just know you are not alone. If I never become a mother the old fashioned way, it doesnt mean i wont be looking into other options. But , God has a plan for me. And one day i will know what it is.

Until then, I will just keep loving on everyone else's babies. And tearing up when I walk by the baby clothing in the store....

Steph